I was at a Hollywood party with my very good friend Kate Winslet and was expounding the finer points of how to deliver a line from Hardy with the suitable regional accent.
I explained that it is all about imagining one has a mouthful of bumpkin, like a country pumpkin, and all the doors and windows are open so it is a bit chilly.
"Oooh Arrh Mr Frodo" like that, as if the nipples are standing up, which is what we thespians call the finer points.
This is what a famous professor of linguistics told me, although I already knew it because this was how I did it when I was a drama student, but I turned down the place at RADA in favour of becoming the only non-white columnist in the whole of the British Empire. It is very lucky for everyone I did this as otherwise William Paxton would have wasted his time inventing greenhouses to throw stones in and movable Twitterer.
Unfortunately, like many silly white women who can't keep a husband, Kate has let herself go. I've given her diet tips, a copy of my exercise DVD and some of my tamarind gravy which makes an excellent facial toner. But I've warned my son - he's a barrister you know - against painted Jezebels, even Kate's.
Speaking of barristers I've decided not to mention the subject of gay barristers such as Gareth Compton and stoning any more,
Reluctantly, I have instructed my police force not to take matters any further but a rather thick officer said 'Well, m'arm, that's for the CPS to decide whether there is a realistic prospect of a conviction under section 127 (1a) of the Communications Act 2003' as apparently it is not up to me at all! This is ridiculous. We'll have people complaining about being arrested for no reason except being a Tory next, as if that wasn't reason enough.
What a disappointment that the youth of today are unable to stand up to wicked dictators like I was when I bravely ran away from Uganda. Fortunately we respect freedom of speech over at my column, which is why the editor has decided twice now to delete all the comments as their support for me was embarrassingly overwhelming.
10 comments:
Brilliant! :)
Top stuff. How did you persuade her to do guest posts?
See, that's where that Craig Brown goes wrong. He's good, but so are you, and with your stuff we get pictures of Kate Winslet too.
Heh! I've a feeling this one could run and run...
There are some poor souls still searching this blog for naked pictures of Jeremy Clarkson.
He's been packing it on a bit in recent years. Probably has bigger boobs than Kate now.
I do enjoy The Raft
BTW, Gildas, I have bought the first series of Lovejoy for my Christmas viewing. That and a bottle of amontillado sherry, and I'm minted.
Marvellous work, marvellous.
I am, though, now wondering what the strangest search might be that I can manufacture to end up back on this blog. Some experimentation may be required - although not from the office.
Yasmin was on BBC Radio 2 the other day debating Vince Cables iffy stance on voting on the students University fees regime; when David (Willets?) quoted some numbers she screamed "DON'T GIVE ME FIGURES" to everyones, seemingly genuine, surprise, perhaps even her own.
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