It's a train not a Tardis

 “I boarded a crowded train with a group of colleagues; we journeyed through the train looking for places; there wasn’t a place for all of us to sit down"  Jeremy Corbyn.

Yes there was but you all wanted to sit together.  It is a train, not a Tardis. Other people may get on it first and tend to dot themselves about. The consequence is that it is unreasonable to expect to turn up on an open ticket and get seating in exactly the configuration you wish, especially if you are travelling as a group.  This also applies at theatres, cinemas, buses, tube trains and your doctor's waiting room.  

It is ludicrous that a grown man has a tantrum - wah, wanna sit wiv me mates, wanna magic train wot expands to make a magic office for me - and still expects to lead the Opposition.  The correct response would be to stick him on the naughty step and tell him to learn to behave properly if he wants to be taken seriously.

People who wish to sit together have the option of pre-booking a seat. If you do not have online access, the booking office will help.  The later you leave it, the less likely you are to be able to sit with your friends. On an open ticket you take your chance with whatever is available.

Q. If you and your mates get on a train without having booked seats together, how likely is it that the train guard will shuffle everyone else around in order to get you a special magic snowflake office?

A. Quite high if you are the leader of the Labour Party.  Jezza  accepted special treatment and even tried to pretend that he did not.

Having provided that special treatment for Corbyn's administratively incompetent staff, the least Virgin could have expected was a 'thank you'. Instead, they got a misleading piece of propaganda which was suspiciously pre-cooked as the film maker was there.  

It takes a lot to make me sympathetic towards Richard Branson, but Corbyn managed it.

And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear

When Dr Matt Taylor gave the good news about the Rosetta mission, and with every right to be proud of his achievement in space exploration for the European Space Agency,  there was a disastrous failure of PR which nearly wrecked the project. The project that day was not space exploration. That's what they do on all other days.  The job that day was to engage the public to gain support so that  funding remained and might be increased.

Dr Taylor walked into the world media's eye in a graphical shirt made by a friend and Twitter went kaboom.  The component which failed was the head of public affairs. Instead of insisting that the Mission was the star of the show and that a key presenter would be wearing a plain, comfortable, casual shirt with long sleeves, Dr Taylor was allowed to toddle out eupohric in his party wear.

The public face of the European Space Agency (ESA), at the point it was talking to the people who pay the bills, had accidentally fallen in to the hands of a kindly tattoo artist's wife in Chelmsford, and she  had chosen a fabric design based on popular cover art for classic science fiction. 

Amongst friends, at a barbie, maybe at the gala session of a professional conference, or all day at a comic con, that shirt is OK.  But it was wrong in the context of the job to be done that day, which was to represent the ESA to the public. 

Women who deconstructed the theme of the shirt shirt were immediately accused of being too fugly to understand the science and anyway, how come they had judged a man on his clothes? To which the reply was 'Welcome to my world'.

The vituperation ramped up with the usual cries of  'it's all the fault of the feminists' but, as with the rape threats against Jessica Ennis-Hill in a separate context, the purpose was to attack any woman who voiced a criticism, how dare she.  Women complain they are attacked for voicing an opinion, and thousands of people leap up to patronize and threaten them for saying such a thing. Or telling a man what to wear in a professional context, the bitch.

Like yelling 'raaayyycist', a quick shout of 'feminazi' is used to marginalize the criticism to lazily avoid having to face it. The point is not whether some people were offended, but whether they are right about the message which goes out if you turn up to a major PR event wearing a softporn-themed shirt. There is little to argue about in PR terms; that was no way for the ESA to present itself. To be fair to the ESA, they made him change his shirt in later segments, so somebody was trying to get a hold on the bolting story as it galloped off with real science story clinging on to its back like a terrified monkey.

Provided Dr Taylor had not ignored dress instructions (we do not know if he was ever told what to wear) it was cruel of the ESA to require him to make the apology; somebody could have done it for him in a simple statement, but the criticism stands. The point of the day was the Landing, and a shirt has no business undermining that. 

The moral of the story is that if you ever wondered what use a PR is, this is what happens when PR fails.

If you must do retro ironic print shirts, please follow the master:

Stephen Hester, Shake me up, Judy

"I have come down" repeats Grandfather Smallweed , hooking the air towards him with all his ten fingers at once to  once, "to look after the property".(*)

 Scan credit: George P. Landow at   Victorian Web

Stephen Hester will step down from the leadership of RBS this month with a payoff thought to be in the region of £1.6m, according to Wiki, nearer to £6m if you include share options (according the The Mirror).   He earned around £1.2m a year, making £6m over his term in the seat, and took an additional £6.5m in bonuses and pension payments in 2010, after which people started to put pressure on the new government to DO something.

Only, since Stephen Hester was a Conservative donor, they didn't try very hard and as for the Lib Dems, Vince Cable decided to ignore the occasional story he heard, adopting his standard position of hazy old duffer who cannot be expected to remember anything or grasp the significance of it if he does.

At the time of the previous story which featured Hester, it was felt that I had been rather hard on a man who was not in direct control of the insurance group and anyway, was turning round a failed bank. Furthermore a man who knew the difference between right and wrong and had said so in a video interview to the Telegraph. (May be behind a paywall, depending on your usage)

"It is an extreme example of a selfish and self-serving culture which the whole banking industry is tagged with," he said, adding that it was the board's job to ensure that sort to behaviour has no "validity in the future".

It recently emerged that RBS used another special group of which Hester will no doubt claim to have come over all Vince Cable about, the Global Restructuring Group, GRG, with thanks to Felix Salmon at Reuters who has presented the story clearly.   RBS foreclosed loans because it could get more immediate value out of stripping the assets the debtors had put their lives in to.  Using the GRG group, it engineered defaults to give itself permission to help itself to the fruits of other people's labour, selling them a knock-down prices to its own subsidiary, West Register.  

Perhaps unusually in this day and age, the story seems to have bubbled under with the debtors being  unable to form a coherent pressure group. Possibly that is because it is very difficult to distinguish, from the outside, a good business being pushed under by the bank and a bad business which should be stopped before it gets any worse. When stories started emerging in July 2013, RBS and Hester coolly said they could not comment on individual cases, implying that debtors must all be unreliable complainants - and no doubt some of them are.   The Tomlinson Report draws together the method the bank used.  Lawrence Tomlinson also credits an investigation by the Sunday Times and the work of Sir Andrew Large.

Many in the banking trade have counted on this story being too convoluted to grasp  . They have forgotten that Mr Dickens already explained it in 1853.  This year was the 160th anniversary of the conclusion of Bleak House.

In the illustration above, the old payday lender Smallweed has extended rolling credit to Captain George who has used it to buy a shooting gallery. This barely makes enough to keep him and an assistant in tea and bread but earns just enough to keep paying Smallweed his interest. Probably it is a bad business but George is making his payments and trade might improve.

It then transpires George has an asset he was not aware of; he holds a letter from a late friend which can be used as a sample of handwriting to positively identify the writer of other documents and letters.  Smallweed knows to whom that sample has value and he wants to be rewarded for brokering the deal. The only trouble is, George takes advice and is certain that he does not want to be involved.

Smallweed then brings pressure on him because the loan is not secured just against George's own person but the property of his friend Mr Bagnet.  Smallweed demands full repayment, knowing full well that George has no way to do it and must therefore surrender the letter for inspection.  Which he does.

If people are capable of following the plot of Bleak House and how Smallweed manipulates George to get what he wants, they are capable of understanding what RBS was doing.    Shake me up, Judy.

........................

(*) Yes, I know Smallweed says this when he goes to Krook's house rather than George's shooting gallery, but the sentiment fits best.

Perhaps we should stop calling them paramedics?

In May 2007 an ambulance was called to a young woman, Sarah Thomas, who was having trouble breathing. Miss Thomas was recovering from a brain tumour and was lapsing in and out of lucidity, but she knew she was ill and called the ambulance at 1am. She was known to have diabetes and to have had her pituitary gland removed after surgery for the tumour. She also thought she had a gastric infection as her father had also experienced a tummy bug a few hours earlier.

You do not need to be a paramedic to know that if someone's brain is being treated and they are calling an ambulance, and they can't breath reliably, are dehydrating and have diabetes and no pituitary gland, the place to go is a hospital and let the grown-ups deal with it.  Common sense tells you that this is way out of one's own league. 

Instead, the paramedics carried out an incompetent assessment and persuaded the parents to sign to say that they had done their job. They persuaded the patient not to go to hospital.   The parents were there and were fully able to explain that their daughter had recently had brain surgery. Note that Miss Thomas, a 30 year old woman, was apparently not in a condition to sign, which is another clue that she should have been removed to a hospital. Had she gone to hospital the doctors and nurses would have been in a position to give her the stabilizing treatment she needed.

After only six years the coroner managed to return a narrative verdict in February 2013, in which he noted discrepancies between the accounts given by the ambulance crew and the family.  He gave the  medical classification for the death 

Mr Philip Rogers said he would record the medical cause of her death as:
 1a circulatory collapse as a result of gastroenteritis, with
 part two, panhypopituitarism and adrenal insufficiency.

The adrenal insufficiency in particular would have been treatable with an injection. Due to the limitations of what a paramedic can be expected to know about, he ruled that 

...this cannot be labelled as gross failings

Yes it is gross failing and obviously so.  They did not carry out a competent assessment.  They persuaded the patient and her parents not to go to hospital when it was apparent that the patient was losing the capacity to take decisions at all.  If she had called a cab instead of an ambulance, Miss Thomas would have stood a better chance of survival because at least the cab driver would not have played at being a doctor.
 
After a further ten months disciplinary action was finally taken.  The paramedics were removed as it became clear that the 'discrepancy' was more than just two different view of the situation.  The disciplinary panel revealed that not only had they failed to carry out a proper assessment but they then

colluded to fabricate a patient record.  

 They tried to cover up the error.

But why did they not do the the obvious thing and just take her to the hospital that night?

Below the line in the Mail (usual caveats) is an interesting comment:

Unfortunately, ambulance staff have been pushed towards not taking people to hospital to ease pressure on the hospitals. This practice of using them as "poor mans doctors" is widespread because you have almost no chance of getting doctors out in the evening. .......Increasingly the ambulance service is led away from its primary duty ,which is to promote life by giving aid and getting you to hospital.This is an unfortunate case but is one that we will probably see more of in the future unless someone" grasps the nettle" and gets back to basics.

The names of the paramedics are not relevant here and are available from the links. They certainly made a willful and serious mistake and compounded that by trying to fiddle the records. The latter, in my view, should be a criminal matter and not just a disciplinary one.

However, if  hospitals are pressuring ambulance staff to not bring sick people to hospital in order to hit admission time targets, then it is even more important to know that a political decision is being made which results in unnecessary deaths.

Job of the Month - Chief of Staff, Kent Police

Quick - here's your chance for 90k's worth of goodies plus pension contributions and all the rides in blues and twos you can handle.  Luckily, you won't have to do anything nasty like real work or dealing with dangerous violent people - it's all pretendy work.  No formal qualifications or experience required. 

Ann Barnes  hasn't a clue how to do the job despite being elected to be the new Commissioner.  Her first puppet was an average teenager who was in tears within a week because Ann failed to recognize that actually, you are nuts to expect a child to carry that kind of responsibility and public exposure.  Her second appointment is supposed to figure out how to do the job, and do it, so that Ann can continue to collect the dosh for pretending to.

Anyhoo, here's the outline:

This post will provide the mainstay of direct support to the Kent PCC. This is the first role of its kind and as such the post holder will have the flexibility and freedom to create the framework of support needed by the PCC who has stated that her aim is to be the most visible, accessible and transparent Commissioner in the country.

This means 'For god's sake, tell me what the job is and make me look good'.  Fair enoughski, isn't that what the faithful 2-i-c people of the world do all the time?

This role is not a single focused senior administrative role, this is a high profile, potentially frequently pressurised, busy and varied role – you will never be bored!  As the manager of the Office of the Kent Police and Crime Commissioner (OPCC) you must possess excellent interpersonal skills that you can adapt to any situation. You will be an inspirational leader, who inspires and motivates people from all walks of life, whether this is the staff working in the OPCC, officers and staff from Kent Police, members of the public or those people working in partnership organisations and agencies – in fact anyone you come into contact with.

This sounds to me more like what was intended of the Commissioner, but Ann clearly hasn't any intention of doing it so it's a better billet than the usual 2-i-c as you don't have the ghastly admin or being made to do it all yourself.  On the other hand, you'll almost certainly have to polish Ann's ego and make it seem as if she has thought everything good while you collect the blame for anything which goes wrong.    At 90k plus bennies, this should slap a lot of balm on your own blistered ego.  After all, you didn't win the election, did you.

 You will be able to provide clear, objective, authoritative and impartial advice based on analysis and interpretation of complex information and situations.

Ann can't work out what the briefs mean so you are supposed to read them and explain them to her. 

As an effective horizon scanner, you should be able to anticipate the needs of the PCC and present information before it is requested.

Preferably psychic.

Alongside this you will have developed a structure to provide regular, relevant management information that informs and updates the PCC on progress without creating burdensome bureaucracy.

Pull some numbers out of your arse. They don't matter and there is no budget for gathering proper info - it was all spent on commissioners, youth commissioners and your wages.  The least you can do is a bit of cut'n'pasting, you ingrate.

By the by, you have to be nice to Paris Brown, the youth commissioner - but then for goodness sake, the child was always going to be made to look awful.  Think of it as social work, trying to patch up Ann's idiocy. 

Here's what Ann promised the people of Kent and what she is now relying on you to implement for her.

In a better world this job would not exist because the Chief Constable would already be doing most of it,  but since it does, why not put in an on-line application and give that money the very best chance of a good home where it will be appreciated. The real police will regard you with all the enthusiasm of something nasty on their shoes, but as soon as they get the drift of where you are coming from - being Ann's walker - they will at least temper their derision with pity.

My tip for the job would be to make friends with the mounted divisions, then get the horses out on PR appearances in the shopping centres. Everyone loves police horses.

Alternatively, if this seem too much like hard work and you are male, consider getting two women pregnant with at least five children apiece, then live on benefits. I gather it pays about the same.  On balance, I know which I'd prefer to subsidize.

Update 10/4/2013

The Mail reports that Paris Brown has stepped down following reports that the police have been dragged in on the basis that her tweets may be within the scope of the criminal law.  Her previous job - a trainee booking clerk in the parks department -  may not be open to her now that her employers have an excuse to sack her for her comments.

So now we've got an unemployed and possibly unemployable child under the age of 18 whose biggest sin, as far as we know, involves being a bit gobby. No arson, mugging, embezzlement, torture of animals, not even as much as a caution for dropping litter - just a kid mistaking their nascent musings for hip writing which, of course, never happened before in the history of text.

Ann Barnes is still there on £85k (which is surprisingly less than her lieutenant will earn) while having shoved a kid through this sugar-cane crusher in pursuit of her own public image.  The moment the allegations emerged she should have taken protective action instead of making the teenager humiliate herself in public for Ann's programme.

The only person who owes it to the electorate to step down is Barnes for having shown such obvious lack of commonsense and duty of care in the first place.  If Keith Vaz had any decency he'd resign too.  Yes, I know, don't hold my breath.

Update 11/04/2013

The Times reports that the police have been criticized by media lawyer Mark Stephens, who pointed out that Keir Starmer already issued guidelines on investigation of comments on social media. What exactly it has to do with Starmer, who runs the CPS but not the police, I'm not quite sure, but it is his job to advise about offences so it is probably worth checking what he says.  The point here is that twenty years ago a police officer would have understood that one is free to hold odious opinions and express them.   Now, the expression of those opinions - not just incitements against target groups - is something the state feels free to investigate so long as it has the flimsy excuse of 'somebody complained'.

These are the interim guidelines

The comments attributed to Brown were likely to fail the 'high threshold' test i.e. there was no public interest justification in pursuing them.  Or, put it another way, if Brown is going to be chased, then so should many of the commenters on the passing of Mrs Thatcher.

Stephen Hester is a banker

Crocodile wallets

Who is Stephen Hester?

Stephen Hester is the Group Chief Executive of RBS.  The one who was narrowly persuaded to go without his bonus.

Wiki

Hester is paid an annual salary of £1.2 million by RBS.^[1] Alongside this, he took home £6.5m in bonus and pension payments in 2010.^[8] In 2012 he was offered a bonus of just under £1 million, following some considerable pressure from politicians and the public, he declined the bonus.

You may have heard of him being disgusted and depressed about the 'selfish and self-serving' behaviour of his staff during the LIBOR rigging scandal.  Apart from banking, RBS is also 75% shareholder for Direct Line  which operates several brands of insurance.  One of these is Churchill

Churchill is part of the Direct line group, separately listed from RBS.  It is headed by Paul Geddes.

Now let us go back in time, this isn't about banking.  It's about insurance.

Churchill

Founded in 1989, Churchill is now one of the UK’s leading providers of general insurance, offering car, home, travel, pet, van and motorbike insurance over the phone or online. Many of the products are award-winning.

The Accident

In December 2009 the then-thirteen year old Bethany Probert took it in her head to walk home from horse riding at about 5pm.  The accident happened  on the Abthorpe Road which runs between Silverstone (NN12) and Abthorpe.  You can see it for yourself on Streetview, which toured the road in good weather.  The road is picture-postcard England, with straights, narrows,  and shallow bends between hedges dotted with mature trees. 

Yes, she could have waited for her mum to pick her up, but showing a spark of initiative and not being a prisoner, this schoolgirl decided to do what, at any other time in history, would be regarded as normal. She started to walk home on the country road. It was after sunset but it wasn't the middle of the night. Even in December people can be reasonably expected to be moving round at 5pm.   Being a young teenager, she didn't think to dress up in a hi-vis jacket, which is not a legal requirement. She also may have been listening to music. That's legal too.

The road doesn't have a footpath or lighting. It has hedges which  tend to lean in to the road, obliging pedestrians to walk a little further out.  The speed limit is 60 but speed, as we are often told by the better drivers, is not the point. Conditions are the point, and the conditions did not admit that 55 year old Mr Paul Moore, who was on his way to work for his 5pm shift on the far side of Silverstone, should travel faster than 40mph in his Saab 9-3.  

Unfortunately, he probably was traveling faster than that.  Seeing an on-coming vehicle, he changed his position on the road, pulling left, closer to the hedge where Bethany was walking.  Pedestrians are advised to face oncoming traffic but because of the hedges and a bend there, Bethany was on the narrow grass verge or the tarmac - it is thought she may have had one foot on each - rather than the advised side . For that particular point, she was on the correct side because of an approaching bend and a lack of a footpath (see paragraph 44 of Mr Pittaway's adjudication). 

Mr Moore did not see Bethany because he was focused on the oncoming vehicle. He hit the girl.  She was wearing dark clothing.  Had he been traveling more slowly and remained aware that the pools of shadow under hedges might contain any number of things - dogs, deer, junk, even walkers - then he might not have had the accident.

Bethany did not die but the head injuries effectively ended the independent life she might have had. She requires full-time care from her mother but she's alive and can move round.  Mr Moore didn't set out to hurt anyone, but the reality of driving is that you can, purely by miscalculation.  Eversheds summarized the court's findings; liability was established against the defendant.

Fortunately,  Mr Moore had insurance from Churchill.  The child cannot be put back as she was, but she can be cared for.

But Churchill doesn't want to pay up.  

When the case got to court in August 2012, by which time the child's condition was clearer, Churchill argued that because Bethany was a horse rider, she should have known about wearing a hi-vis jacket, even though she wasn't riding a horse at the time.  The court found that you can't expect a 13 year old girl to carry the same degree of responsibility for her action as an adult might. Besides, Mr Moore was not looking where Bethany was walking; he was focused on the oncoming vehicle. 

Churchill argued that she was negligent in listening to music, otherwise she would have heard the Saab coming.  The court replied, based on the opinions of the accident advisors, that the noise of the oncoming car would have obscured the sound of the car behind her. 

The insurers said they want to appeal.  Mr David Pittaway QC, hearing the case, wrote that he thought they were seeking to reopen the issues which have been decided.

Despite that we now read that Lord Justice Ward has granted permission that Churchill can take the case to the Court of Appeal.  Apparently, there is an argument that it might be alright to run children over if they aren't dressed as Christmas trees, psychic, and happen to be walking home in the country after sunset.

However, this post is not about about the strict legality of an insurance firm being able to go to the extent the law allows in order to avoid doing what it says on the tin: taking the financial pain away when there is a terrible accident. 

This is about Stephen Hester of RBS and Paul Geddes of Churchill, who should stop pissing about and pay out £5m as directed. It will cost them that anyway; it's just a question of whether the lawyers are allowed to gouge more of the £5m out for their fees, or if it should all be paid to the girl.

 £5m is less than Stephen Hester earned in the single year 2010.

The money, although substantial, can't be the issue. If it was, RBS  wouldn't be paying out bonuses of £1.5bn to staff in its investment arm. £5m is chicken feed in comparison.  The taxpayer owns at least 75% of RBS, and  RBS is the 65% shareholder in Direct Line.  RBS received £1bn in dividends from the flotation.  The Probert settlement has to be managed to keep Bethany and her mother the rest of their lives, since her mother has had to give up work to care for her daughter. If Geddes and Hester were told to pay it personally out of their own fortunes, they'd barely notice it.

Stephen Hester has two children as does Paul Geddes .   How might either of them might feel if their child  was smashed in to a hedge and then they had to spend three years fighting for the compensation which insurance is supposed to provide.  But then, earning a basic £1.2m a year, I expect Hester would  be able to airily wave it away and pay someone else to do the hard work of looking after the child.  If the worst came to the worst, he could sell the 350 acre estate in Oxfordshire or the ski chalet in Verbier.

Stephen Hester should ring Paul Geddes and tell them to settle before the stink does any more damage to the group ahead of the remainder of the divestment.  Geddes shouldn't even need telling. That he does, tells us something about the failure of Hester to inculcate a sense of duty and decency in his staff.  Hester will no doubt argue that under European Competition Law, he's not supposed to tell his executives what to do.  This isn't about European  Competition Law - it's about duty and decency.

 
It is the duty - already  admitted - of Churchill is to pay this claim.  Decency dictates that they pay the victim, not the lawyers.

Update 10 Feb 2013:  The Sunday Times reports:

THE boss of Royal Bank of Scotland will be handed a £780,000 bonus just weeks after the bailed-out lender was fined £390m for its role in the global interest rate rigging scandal. Stephen Hester is set to pocket the share award next month.  RBS, which is 81% owned by the government the taxpayer is adamant that Hester should receive the payment, which was granted in 2010, as he has received only one annual bonus since joining RBS in 2008. 

Ah, poor lamb. If only he'd been wearing a hi-vis jacket.

Update 14 Feb 2013.
Inform Blog reports that Lord Justice Ward has retired.

Five Rings to Rule Them

Amazon is carrying the Official Olympic Wenlock Police Figurine

You may care to read the reviews.  

I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS A GREAT TOY, IT IS FUN TO PLAY WITH AND MAKES ME FEEL help me PROUD TO BE BRITISH. IT IS MODERN IN DESIGN AND it's watching me REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS GREAT ABOUT OUR COUNTRY AND THE OLYMPIC GAMES WHICH WILL BE GREAT please THE IOC ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AND OF COURSE SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE SOME MONEY OUT OF IT, BUT THAT'S FINE BECAUSE it's going to take my pets away THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD THESE DAYS. WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT MACDONALD'S I SAY AND COKE THEY i don't want to die ARE TASTY. IN CONCLUSION YOU SHOULD BUY ONE. 

........................

 After purchasing this toy I was surprised that it unpacked itself and it's surface to air missile system in my back garden. After a test firing of the missile (which passed through my kitchen, down the hall, through the open front door before slamming into Mrs Greyson's house at number 17) all I can say is that a single eye must clearly hamper effective depth perception. I am inclined to think the toy is unsuitable for small children and neighbours opposite. 

.............................
 

By 

peculiar "andrew_eccentric"

 This toy is worse than masturbating to a picture of Lord Coe, official overlord of the 2012 Olympics. And believe me, I've tried.

Update:  some commenters have noticed that Wenlock reprises that masterpiece of the 20th Century, Francis Bacon's "Three Studies for Figures for the Base of a Crucifixion."  Especially the middle one.

Inside PR and Corporate Communications - Part 3

Corporate Complications
A guest post by Submariner

Being respected only to the extent that you are feared is pure Tucker, but it’s not good for the long term for a retailer. People always have a choice. If the rejection of your plans for a new store in Little Binding is felt by half the town to be a victory for local democracy against the forces of oppression, you’re well on the downslope and it’s time to short the shares. The Tucker doctrine puts you on the opposite side from your customers. In the case of the Tesco crew, they are even on the wrong side of the Blair backlash.

In business and politics alike, times are hard. In the post-bubble economy everything feels like a crisis, and in a crisis the feeling is that anything goes. It’s only human nature to want the comfort of a mythical deadly PR assassin on your side.

But out among the reality-based community, it is not going to help. This is no time for smoke and mirrors, no time for bluster.

The best corporate communication is when the audience sees the business, not the spin apparatus. If you want long term support, take your pain when it’s due. Be frank with your employees, customers, and lenders. Guide expectations to where you think they should be, realistically. Don’t try to put an unrealistic gloss on your losses or revenue reductions.

Educate people about what you can and can’t control in the market. Your business may well be affected by snow, the electoral cycle or the Japanese tsunami, but don’t look as if you’re asking to be excused. Say what the effect has been, when it will drop out of the numbers, and what (if anything) you’ll do differently in the future.

If customers, employees, investors or other stakeholders feel they are being spun a line, they will not give credit even for actual performance and good works. What they will respond to is meaningful management action, backed up by solid facts, good listening and a sense that there are overlapping interests between them and the organisation doing the communicating. No-one ever won trust through intimidation, and fear paralyses better than it motivates.

What politics and the corporate world need more of is the anti-Malcolm. The best communicators are those who concentrate on gathering proper evidence, telling the truth, helping people inside and outside to accept and understand reality, and using their own understanding of the world to help the business make the truth better over time.

Yes, yes. I know. No-one wants to hear that now. It’s all so Pollyanna, enough to make you puke. Hand me the Malcolm mask, and the Profanisaurus. I’m off out to get a job.

Part 1 - A Tucker of your own
Part 2 - Life Imitates Art

Inside PR and Corporate Communications - Part 2

Life Imitates Art
A guest post by Submariner

Consider. In The Thick Of It, the ineffectual DoSAC head of media relations, Terri Coverley, had been recruited from a popular retailer in an attempt to make government more business-like. She was out of place, a transplant, and struggled with the transition.

But more recently the flow in the real world has been the other way. Political spinners have been whirring out of the Westminster mother ship and planting their seeds in the nation’s commercial boardrooms. They may come from Tucker’s other-worldly culture but their influence in more earthly businesses is now firmly cemented.

Just before Christmas, ASDA, a business which used to have its feet on the ground, hired Sian Jarvis, until recently top spin doctor at the Department of Health, to open doors in government and keep the media in their place.

Later this month Abbie Sampson, ex DEFRA, DfT, Gordon Brown adviser and currently Number 10's chief press officer, will become head of news at Which?

Also in February Tesco, which has long liked to be scarier and shoutier than anyone else, will make room in its nest for Ruth McAllister, a current Number 10 press officer.

Tesco was an early pioneer of the Tucker approach. The company’s Alien Queen of Spin is Lucy Neville-Rolfe. Before pitching up at Tesco she did the lot in the Westminster village: DEFRA, DTI, Cabinet Office, Number 10. And she has established a fully-functioning hive. McAllister will be jostling for elbow room with previous Number 10 veterans: news manager Tom Hoskin,  Tony Blair's former private secretary David North, and Blair’s former head of events Victoria Gould. 

Tesco plays the PR and politics games the Tucker way. For them, it’s not enough to win. The other side has to lose, and lose badly. Tesco’s campaign machinery for imposing vast new colonies stores upon the peasantry has been brutally effective over the last 15 years, but some time over the last decade they smashed the office mugs and retired the mouse-mats with “Every Little Helps” and went instead with "Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair". 

Yesterday - Part 1  A Tucker of your own

Tomorrow - Part 3  Corporate Complications

Inside PR and Corporate Communications - Part 1

A Tucker of your own
A guest post by Submariner

Malcolm Tucker, the hard man of government PR in TV comedy triumph The Thick Of It, is not based on BadAl Campbell after all. At least not according to Peter Capaldi, who plays him.

For a fictional character, Tucker has had a remarkable cross-over into real life, or what passes for it in the worlds of politics, the media, and senior business management.

When Capaldi visited Number 10 a couple of years ago he was amazed at how many government PR people wanted to be photographed with him, despite the bullying, the bad language and the general brutality. I wasn’t amazed. Tucker is superbly written, and superbly performed. You can’t take your eyes off him: he dominates the screen. And for all his faults, he is funny, a relentless stream of cruel wit cutting down all barriers in his path. Who would not love to be able to do that sometimes?

What began as a gargoyle has become a recruiting poster. Tuckermania is now more than a fad for its fans. In interviews Bad Al himself has been careful to align himself with Tucker’s energy, determination and ability to turn the air blue. He knows the glow of reflected glory. But, alas, Machiavelli, alack Armando, satire can be dangerous.

For a while now, the corporate world has been passing through the looking glass. It has been seduced by a fiction. It has fallen for the whiff of testosterone, the heroic vulgarity, the aura of dangerousness, and the mythology that you can always control the media through intimidation. If you’re an important CEO, you want a Tucker of your own.

Part 2  - Life Imitates Art