Tuesday 17 July 2012

Five Rings to Rule Them

Amazon is carrying the Official Olympic Wenlock Police Figurine



You may care to read the reviews.  

I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS A GREAT TOY, IT IS FUN TO PLAY WITH AND MAKES ME FEEL help me PROUD TO BE BRITISH. IT IS MODERN IN DESIGN AND it's watching me REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS GREAT ABOUT OUR COUNTRY AND THE OLYMPIC GAMES WHICH WILL BE GREAT please THE IOC ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB AND OF COURSE SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE SOME MONEY OUT OF IT, BUT THAT'S FINE BECAUSE it's going to take my pets away THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD THESE DAYS. WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT MACDONALD'S I SAY AND COKE THEY i don't want to die ARE TASTY. IN CONCLUSION YOU SHOULD BUY ONE. 

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 After purchasing this toy I was surprised that it unpacked itself and it's surface to air missile system in my back garden. After a test firing of the missile (which passed through my kitchen, down the hall, through the open front door before slamming into Mrs Greyson's house at number 17) all I can say is that a single eye must clearly hamper effective depth perception. I am inclined to think the toy is unsuitable for small children and neighbours opposite. 

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 This toy is worse than masturbating to a picture of Lord Coe, official overlord of the 2012 Olympics. And believe me, I've tried.

Update:  some commenters have noticed that Wenlock reprises that masterpiece of the 20th Century, Francis Bacon's "Three Studies for Figures for the Base of a Crucifixion."  Especially the middle one.

10 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

That policeman has a face like an arse - just a single hole, right in the middle of it. It would make the perfect voodoo doll for anyone who wanted to bugger a policeman.

Woman on a Raft said...

Ahoy there, Gorilla Bananas. By buggering policemen, do you mean like our Home Secretary and Tom Winsor plan to do?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I believe the British home secretary is a woman, and therefore incapable of buggering anyone without mechanical assistance. If she has the urge, I hope she'll take it out on the doll rather than molesting a real copper. Better still, do it on her husband with an approved prostate device.

JuliaM said...

"...and therefore incapable of buggering anyone without mechanical assistance."

No shortage of those in this Parliament....

Dick Puddlecote said...

It's always fun when the pranksters find an Amazon product to target. Nice spot, WoaR. :)

Noggin the Nog said...

Slightly o/t, but what on Earth is that pile of shit by Bacon?

I thought he was artist?

It looks like a bad trip. People don't pay money to look at this shit, do they?

Woman on a Raft said...

It probably was a bad trip, Noggin; Bacon wasn't the best-hinged of men.

No, I don't think looking at that one costs money; or rather, you already paid via your taxes, but as for it being a pile of shit, look again and weep.

Mrs T shared your opinion that his pictures were dreadful; no doubt about that - dread is threaded trough every brush stroke.

As for makes this authentic makes-you-throw up dread rather than comic horror, I can't answer that except to say that it is obvious if you compare Bacon with the range of classical painters he was commenting on.

The German Renaissance, for example, was obsessed with physical degradation and is often yucky but it concentrates on detail rather than what that degradation means. Bacon gets it right; his decay is what entropy entails, the gradually confusion and dissolution of existence which the will is ultimately powerless to resist.

As for the emotional content, I don't think you'll find three screaming horrors in all of Western art like those with their ambiguous tinge of triumphalism as well as grief and foresight of the destruction to come. Picasso, pah, amateur.

Noggin the Nog said...

WOAR,

I'm afraid I'm way out of my depth when talking about art, I know next to nothing about it but strongly suspect there is more than a little bourgeois, Emperor's new clothes pretentiousness about it.

I have looked at it again, and it is still, IMHO, shit.

I have a golden rule about art; if I could do it, it's not art.

Barman said...

Great find!

I'm encouraged that there are so many out there that feel the same way about the limp dicks as I do...

Brian Sibley said...

Scary product! Thanks for the warning!

And for defending Bacon! If Noggin really can paint like Bacon then (even he does think it's s***) he really owes it to the world to stop whatever he's currently doing and get painting!